Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2013/03/26 under Uncategorized

Hi…I’m Natalia I’m 14 years old and I’m defiantly not perfect… I have wanted to get this off my chest for forever well since August 2012. My mom has wanted to know why I did what I did but I haven’t even told her. This is the only place I am going to say what I did and why I did it. It was a few days from my birthday. Yeah I know what you’re thinking. “Why in the hell would you do this a few days from your birthday!!!?” The answer is I don’t know. I think I went crazy or something. It’s really hard to come right out and say it. I don’t really wanna write a huge story or something but I guess it’s the only way people will understand. Dad was at work it was a Saturday. He usually is off on weekends but i guess not whenever it rains. Well Saturday is my usual cleaning day. So i went and started cleaning. I was halfway done with the house I was working on the restrooms when the doorbell went off. I went to go see who it was. It was Ups and dad got a box. Well boxes usually go in the kitchen but I don’t know why I went to his closet to put it up. When I went to put it up I saw that there was a gun on the top shelf. I picked it up and started looking at it. I never expected it to be loaded. I mean why would my dad have a loaded gun. Well of course I was stupid and undid the safety. My dads dog Dieter. Which is short for Dieter Von. He is a German Sheppard. Well I didn’t know he fallowed me but I should have known because he fallows everyone. Well i turned around and he was right there laying on the floor. My dad always told me never to point a gun at anything or anyone but like I said I went crazy for a little while. So i pointed the gun at him. Once again I NEVER knew it was loaded. So i pulled the trigger and the next thing I knew he was screaming. My brother was watching TV so he just thought I dropped something because I’ve always been clumsy but when Dieter came out he freaked out and called dad. I was in shock when dad came. He was the maddest person i have ever seen. He kept screaming at me about what happened but I was in shock. So he hit me. I ran under the table and he hit his hand on it.I didn’t know it was broken until after he got home from the vet but mom and Kaylee were stopping by but I don’t know why. So I had a bit of courage to say a lie. My mom didn’t know why I was crying until i finally said. “Mom the gun fell and it shot Dieter.” I don’t know why I lied maybe if i told the truth things would have been better. But mom knows me better then anyone. She freaked out and told me to get in the car. She said if dad came home he would kill me. So I left with mom. Finally she told dad what happened and he just kept saying over and over again : “Why me? Why did she do this? What did I ever did to her?” So I cried i cried for so long that i cried my self to sleep without eating. Later mom found out dad broke his hand. I don’t want to finish this I’m already crying just from typing this. Its gonna be a full year since this has happened in a few months. My dad of course forgave me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven though. I’m now on pills to control me. I still have nightmares about his scream. I don’t want to live anymore. I may have been forgiven but it seriously doesn’t feel like it. I just want them to tell me to my face that they have forgiven me. Would you ever forgive me if I did this to you? I would never forgive myself and I never will. I want to die. Please give me some advice. 🙁

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